Consolation Prize # 1: Acting, Writing & Fantastic Worlds

Having laid out the physical disabilities I live with, I want to talk about the non-physical aspects of my disabilities. However, my intention is not to say, "Hey, check out what great things can happen to you if you're disabled!" I don't believe it's anyone's job to belittle the reality of being disabled by trying to "think-positive" and "encourage" the disabled to not focus on the negative aspect of their lives. Fact is, as I explained when I talked about the positivity of anger, I think negative motivation can be just as positive and even more so than positive motivation. Each disabled person will in their own time find the way to their own light. It's not mine or anyone's right to decide when, where or how they will find that light.

For myself, the benefits of being disabled came out of a simple need to survive. I don't want to let anyone believe that the talents I developed out of being disabled were inspired by anything other than simple survival. Since my body began to break down at such a young age, my only outlet for coping was through my head and my heart. My coping mechanism was to deny the physical reality, even though my avoiding physical activities common to my peers was conspicuous, with which I lived. So, I developed an acute imagination and storytelling gift through which I channeled my anxiety, anger, frustration, sorrow and overall angst at my lot. This process took quite a while to maturate. It began with reading comic books, which featured freakish super-heroes and monsters to whom I could relate, because like me these heroes had a secret about themselves they were hiding. Many of them, especially heroes like The X-Men, The Hulk or Ben Grimm aka The Thing from the Fantastic Four were physically deformed or "monstrous" and therefore spurned by the world they were sworn to protect.

I needed to believe that even though I was "deformed," (and by medical definition I am deformed, even though its not considered extreme or even visible), "disabled" or "not normal" I also had to believe that I could still benefit and even more than benefit be larger than life in an effort to become acceptable by society at large. It's something every kid wants to do, whether disabled or able-bodied.

Since I couldn't amaze my friends and peers with physical achievements I had to capture their attention another way. I wrote short stories and skits which I read or performed in front of class, and I began acting in school productions. In fact, when I was in the sixth grade I adapted, directed and acted in Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol. Of course I portrayed the Ghost of Christmas Future so I could wear a big cloak that hid my appearance and I didn't have a lick of dialogue. The production actually went off very well. So, I had found an outlet: acting and writing. My teachers, my fellow students and my parents were all very encouraging about my stories and my acting. Over the next several years I would continue to pursue these activities until I hit the worst side effect of my disabilities...

Depression began to set in when I was about 13 or 14 years old. My obesity got out of control and the pain I lived with was out of control. I abandoned my more public persona as a creative person and withdrew into the world of role-playing games or RPGs (i.e., Dungeons & Dragons, Champions, etc.). Like comic books and writing my short stories, through RPGs I was able to create alter-egos of myself who were able to achieve great things without limitation. Although the route to RPGs and my use of them stemmed from my depression over being disabled and my avoidance of real connections with my peers, except the very tight knit group of friends which formed out of my love of comics and RPGs both of which I believe saved my life. Without them I think I would have likely imploded. I had been experiencing suicidal thoughts as early as 7 when the chronic pain and nightterrors associated with Perthes began to take hold. Those suicidal and other powerfully negative emotions I felt I could act out through my creativity in RPGs and never saw the light of the "real" day.

Ironically, the first and primary character I played in Dungeons & Dragons turned out to be very like myself. He was physically weaker than other heroes (through an evil curse), an outcast by his own people, perceived to be negative, even though is actions proved otherwise, and had to compensate for his physical weakness by becoming a sorcerer and powerful wizard. How's that for psychological role-playing therapy?

Eventually, I stopped RPGs during college and began to expand my storytelling abilities by writing my first novel and eventually moving into the world of screenwriting and filmmaking. Those early exercises in performing, reading and drawing my favorite comics and engaging in RPGs sharpened my creative sensibilities and taught me how to create stories which not only expressed my own experience with disabilities but also how to tell exciting, engaging and entertaining stories. The talent for writing and creating allegories of my own struggle and the struggles I see in others lives is now a daily exercise. Having used my creativity to keep myself from succumbing to my manic depression and suicidal thoughts made the exercise of writing, acting, creating stories an absolute necessity. It has kept me alive.