Urgent! Make It Fast, Make It Urgent! Urgent!

I had truly hoped I could get away without quoting Foreigner in a title...but, well, a child of the 70's and 80's...you know!

I've been asked a lot lately how long have I got before the degenerative condition of my spine and the neuropathy I live with will get to the point where I can no longer function. The answer from my doctors is, no way to know. The pathology of all my degenerative bone conditions have been to progress quickly. That's relative, of course, and I really can't know an exact date. What I do know is that I'm working with a limited amount of time. To achieve what I want to achieve, to be physically active as a filmmaker, I have to do it now.

I was a procrastinator as a kid, teenager and for most of my adult life. In my efforts to keep my disabilities hidden, I had to stay "below the radar." Conspicuousness is the enemy of anonymity...and I wanted to be anonymous. Contrary to this behavior, however, was a desire to want to make something out of all the crap I was battling and over which I ultimately had no control. There were periods when I found myself involved in activities which brought me close to a larger kind of public recognition, but inevitably I would back down and disappear.

When the chronic pain and the diagnoses from the specialists finally burrowed their way through my thick skull, I realized that my attempts to avoid revelation were now completely compromised by a need to justify the fact that my body was completely out of whack and the results were inevitable. This was the death of procrastination. I was infused with a desire and hope to accomplish goals in a time as speedy as possible. And without any wish to sound grandiose, I realized that I could accomplish anything and everything I wanted in as short a time and with the biggest bang as possible.

I really don't like the idea of "being an example" because it presumes that the person who is "the example" somehow is meant to stand-out or meant to exemplify an ideal. As an idealist I don't believe that any one individual can ever be bigger than the ideal for which they work to achieve. Having said that, it's inevitable that people will see people as embodiments of ideals and ultimately look towards them to represent that ideal. Therefore, if a person is going to go out there and fight for an ideal or goal, they had better be prepared to live up to it and be an example, accept the reality that they will be scrutinized. That means, be what you believe and more importantly help others like yourself not to make the same mistakes you made.

What this means for me is that I hope if any disabled person learns anything from my opening up about my experience with disability is don't wait until the clock is ticking down in the 11th hour to get done what they want to get done. Seriously, do it while you still can! Don't procrastinate!