Yesterday morning, one of my business partners with whom I've been working for more than 10 years to get our indie film company up and going has told me they are leaving the company, if not the whole entertainment industry. So, now I have to sit down with my other partner and decide whether we continue forward as we have or take another direction with the company.
In light of my coming to terms with my disabilities and my fight for benefits, this couldn't have come at worst time. I'm not going to rail against this ex-partner for their choice of timing nor will I get into here the details of the situation me and my other partner are now in as this ex-partner departs the company. However, if timing is everything, then everything sucks.
To be honest, I think after 10 years of trying to start up a film company you have every right to quit. Most folks don't even last a year in an endeavor without an immediate return, let alone a decade. So, I have to give my former partner credit there. But what amazes me more is that I haven't given up on my ambition and goals as a filmmaker and writer. Afterall, I have had some personal success in both arenas, although nothing anyone in the larger public would consider a windfall.
What occurs to me, though, is that my having to battle with my disabilities, overcome them and constantly battle each and everyday to cope has given me a natural determination - an almost instinctive will - to not give up when encountering adversity or "failure." That's not to say I haven't thought a million times or more about just throwing in the towel, and I have definitely taken mental vacations from the struggle. However, I always return to the battle and count each and every success, no matter how minor, one step closer to the ultimate goal...whatever that goal might be.
For all the negative side effects disability brings us, it also embues us with the capacity to withstand even the greatest of challenges. If I have gotten this far and achieved what I have achieved then no one else's choice, no matter how adversely it affects my goals, will stop me from continue my pursuit. This is not to say the disabled person can win every battle - no way! In fact, it's more important for anyone confronting adversity whether physical, mental or emotional to pick and choose their battles, because many battles will be lost. But what I learned yesterday was that for myself, the harder the adversity, the greater the challenge, the more success I discover when I reach the end of my goal.
And as I've learned through my studies of Buddhism, those who and that which hurts us teach us the most valuable lessons.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Friday, February 03, 2006
Finding Your Voice
Nothing is harder for an artist than when they discover "their voice." One of two things will happen: either people will love what the artist has to say and how they are saying it; or they will fear, even hate it.
Regardless of what you might have been taught in school about America standing for the individual's pursuit of their dream, American culture and the powers-that-be would rather you just shut the hell up and stand on line...be a drone. When was the last time you heard any politician or social leader on TV actually say, "Yes, we want you to do whatever you really want to do. Go out there, be your own person!" It's more likely you'll here, "Don't rock the boat." I'm not saying their aren't politicians and social leaders who aren't saying "Be your own person! Make your own personal statement!" I'm only saying you don't see them on CNN and certainly not on FOX News. If you do happen to see one, well, it's not going to be a very favorable report.
It's very discouraging for any artist who discovers their path to have road bumps or even detour signs appear along that pathway. No one can withstand pressure for long. It's why most artists become fall back on graphic design or some other can out of outlet for their creativity which can best serve corporate America.
In my experience, the only way to have your voice protected against obstacles is, and I know it sounds a little corny, honesty...to one's self. There is nothing else that can better protect the artist's unique voice than to simply put themselves out there with full disclosure. The truth is that commitment to one's art or one's voice is not enough, an artist needs conviction. In other words, you need to be so sworn to have your voice heard that you are indistinguishable from the message. You have to be prepared to take blows and be wounded in any fight...and putting a vision out there, speaking with a voice never before heard will result in fights.
I'd like to say it's easy, but it's not. It's taken me more than 10 years to have my particular voice finally find people who jive with it. But you have to keep at it! Finding your voice will be a mixed bag at best, and every artist will have bouts of laryngitis over the course of their work. But you have to keep at it. The only way to change the status quo is to not buy into it. It's as simple as that.
Regardless of what you might have been taught in school about America standing for the individual's pursuit of their dream, American culture and the powers-that-be would rather you just shut the hell up and stand on line...be a drone. When was the last time you heard any politician or social leader on TV actually say, "Yes, we want you to do whatever you really want to do. Go out there, be your own person!" It's more likely you'll here, "Don't rock the boat." I'm not saying their aren't politicians and social leaders who aren't saying "Be your own person! Make your own personal statement!" I'm only saying you don't see them on CNN and certainly not on FOX News. If you do happen to see one, well, it's not going to be a very favorable report.
It's very discouraging for any artist who discovers their path to have road bumps or even detour signs appear along that pathway. No one can withstand pressure for long. It's why most artists become fall back on graphic design or some other can out of outlet for their creativity which can best serve corporate America.
In my experience, the only way to have your voice protected against obstacles is, and I know it sounds a little corny, honesty...to one's self. There is nothing else that can better protect the artist's unique voice than to simply put themselves out there with full disclosure. The truth is that commitment to one's art or one's voice is not enough, an artist needs conviction. In other words, you need to be so sworn to have your voice heard that you are indistinguishable from the message. You have to be prepared to take blows and be wounded in any fight...and putting a vision out there, speaking with a voice never before heard will result in fights.
I'd like to say it's easy, but it's not. It's taken me more than 10 years to have my particular voice finally find people who jive with it. But you have to keep at it! Finding your voice will be a mixed bag at best, and every artist will have bouts of laryngitis over the course of their work. But you have to keep at it. The only way to change the status quo is to not buy into it. It's as simple as that.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Degeneration X
It stuns me how inane and stupid most of my generation really appears to be. I can see why someone like George W. Bush and the Religious Right can so easily seize control of the country when my own generation, which thrives off MTV and video games, has become desensitized to the reality of war, poverty, sickness and famine. Their addled minds have become manipulated, and they simply don't give a shit what happens to anyone other then themselves.
I suppose it would be easier if I wrote in a series of sound-bites and incomplete thoughts like:
See and feel their repression.
See and feel their fear.
See and feel their hatred.
See and feel their deniability.
Or maybe something more personal like:
I know pain.
I know suffering.
I know insomnia.
I know depression.
Hmm, sounds like poetry, doesn't it? Of course, none of it really matters. It doesn't matter how much or how little I write to express my thoughts. I am expressing them and that's all that matters. Expression of our individual selves is what my generation needs to do more often. How each individual does it is just a matter of style and technique.
The one thing I have always recognized as a writer is that when I get negative feedback, the reader has still read it. As long as someone doesn't show enough intelligence to actually tell me why I should stop writing, or what it is in what I wrote with which they disagree, then I have to believe my writing affected them in some way. At the end of the day any writer will tell you, "I don't care if the reader likes or dislikes what I've written, the fact is they read it and were affected by it!"
I have written and will continue to write controversial stories that most people will likely have to seriously think about before they understand them, but they will make them think. Similarly, when I write something like this blog or tell my own story they will think me wordy, didactic and too opinionated. Good, because most of my Generation X have let their intelligence and free will degenerate through a manipulation of pop culture and mass media by narrow-minded, corporatist and greedy old white men who have seized control of a nation that once gave a damn about individualism and free speech.
As much as I hate and resent the fact that my body is degenerating and that decay can't be stopped no matter how much medicine I take or how many operations I undergo, at least my mind hasn't.
I spent almost 30 years keeping my mouth shut about my disabilities and life with chronic pain. I'm not about to listen to any dipshit who doesn't have enough balls to actually tell me what is about my writing or telling my story that's a lie or not good enough to write, read or be seen. So readers, get ready, because I haven't even gotten started. Bring the feedback on! Negative or positive, I live for the debate! And if you haven't let your mind be degenerated you'll welcome the debate too.
I suppose it would be easier if I wrote in a series of sound-bites and incomplete thoughts like:
See and feel their repression.
See and feel their fear.
See and feel their hatred.
See and feel their deniability.
Or maybe something more personal like:
I know pain.
I know suffering.
I know insomnia.
I know depression.
Hmm, sounds like poetry, doesn't it? Of course, none of it really matters. It doesn't matter how much or how little I write to express my thoughts. I am expressing them and that's all that matters. Expression of our individual selves is what my generation needs to do more often. How each individual does it is just a matter of style and technique.
The one thing I have always recognized as a writer is that when I get negative feedback, the reader has still read it. As long as someone doesn't show enough intelligence to actually tell me why I should stop writing, or what it is in what I wrote with which they disagree, then I have to believe my writing affected them in some way. At the end of the day any writer will tell you, "I don't care if the reader likes or dislikes what I've written, the fact is they read it and were affected by it!"
I have written and will continue to write controversial stories that most people will likely have to seriously think about before they understand them, but they will make them think. Similarly, when I write something like this blog or tell my own story they will think me wordy, didactic and too opinionated. Good, because most of my Generation X have let their intelligence and free will degenerate through a manipulation of pop culture and mass media by narrow-minded, corporatist and greedy old white men who have seized control of a nation that once gave a damn about individualism and free speech.
As much as I hate and resent the fact that my body is degenerating and that decay can't be stopped no matter how much medicine I take or how many operations I undergo, at least my mind hasn't.
I spent almost 30 years keeping my mouth shut about my disabilities and life with chronic pain. I'm not about to listen to any dipshit who doesn't have enough balls to actually tell me what is about my writing or telling my story that's a lie or not good enough to write, read or be seen. So readers, get ready, because I haven't even gotten started. Bring the feedback on! Negative or positive, I live for the debate! And if you haven't let your mind be degenerated you'll welcome the debate too.
Deniability Factor
Yesterday I received the letter from the Social Security office denying disability benefits. Regardless of medical evidence dating back to 1977 to support my claim, the Social Security office without any further attempt to follow up or interview or discuss with anyone outside their narrow-field experts reagarding my situation, said I can do the kind of work I did before. Even though the State of California had enough evidence to grant me benefits, the national government denied it. No surprise. Legal sources cite that approximately 65% of all first-time applicants are denied benefits. It's a weeding out process, a kind of mind game to challenge the applicant.
I was shocked, initially, by their rejection, then I got pissed off when I re-read the letter and discovered one significant aspect of my disability had been left out. It is something I had documented and had the evidence to support, something that directly relates to the work I had been previously doing. It was conspicously absent from what they claimed were their reasons for denying me benefits. That's what got me pissed off, and made me determined to appeal. It will be interesting to see what kind of battle that entails, but I will share it with you here in the hopes that it will help others seeking similar recognition and aid from Social Security.
Ironically, since my disability is progressive there is no doubt that the further evidence or worsen conditions required by Social Security will be there. It's a shame that the same 65% of people who get denied must be at least 65% worse than they are before the government decides they are worthy of help.
I was shocked, initially, by their rejection, then I got pissed off when I re-read the letter and discovered one significant aspect of my disability had been left out. It is something I had documented and had the evidence to support, something that directly relates to the work I had been previously doing. It was conspicously absent from what they claimed were their reasons for denying me benefits. That's what got me pissed off, and made me determined to appeal. It will be interesting to see what kind of battle that entails, but I will share it with you here in the hopes that it will help others seeking similar recognition and aid from Social Security.
Ironically, since my disability is progressive there is no doubt that the further evidence or worsen conditions required by Social Security will be there. It's a shame that the same 65% of people who get denied must be at least 65% worse than they are before the government decides they are worthy of help.
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