Fat Is Fine!

In my earlier entry "Before & After - Weight Loss" I said I would describe in further detail the impact on my relationships of my weight loss and hip replacement. Well, in light of my recent heavy entries (no pun intended) I decided to lighten (again, no pun intended) the mood a bit and talk about other people's reactions.

The effects my weight loss on my then-girlfriend and future potential relationships baffled me. Since I had been morbidly obese my entire adult life, I believed that women didn't want to date fat guys. Certainly pop culture supported that assumption. But I discovered that just the opposite was true, at least in the case of the girls I had dated.

At the start of my diet, my then-girlfriend went to Korea to teach for a year. We didn't expect the other to be exclusive over that year, but the goal was to be a couple when she returned to L.A. When she returned she was so freaked-out by my weight loss that she told me she couldn't date me anymore.

WHAT THE F*&$?!

I asked her why and she said she felt fat around me.

Again, WHAT THE F*@#?!!!

OK, so she wasn't petite, but considering how fat I had been my entire life was I going to judge her for not being what American pop culture defined as "perfect?" Hell no! The fact was that when I was at my heaviest weight (315 lbs.) she had fallen in love with me and wanted to have sex with me! At worst, this girl was voluptuous, and I mean that in the TRUE sense of the word, OK? She wasn't fat at all in my eyes. But none of that mattered to her. How big a jerk did she think I was? If she knew anything about who I really was and still am don't you think she would have given me credit for not throwing her aside once I was 200 pounds?

Apparently not.

She told me that now that I was at a more "ideal" weight all I would want to date were "beach bunnies." WHAT?! As long as she was around me she would feel insecure. WHAT?! Blown away by her negative reaction I told her, "When have I ever wanted 'beach bunnies'?" But nothing I told her could reassure her. So, that was that. She dumped me. She dumped me because I wasn't fat! That's right! She didn't want me anymore because I wasn't fat! When was the last time heard that?

Believe it or not, it got stranger from there...

When I met women who hadn't known me prior to the weight loss and the conversation of my weight loss or hip replacement came up (and believe me I never brought it up, I was smarter than that), they wigged out. It was too intense for them...and several told me this. Instead of being impressed or engaged by what I had achieved or having bounced back from the surgery they simply couldn't cope with it and felt insecure. That's the word they used...insecure!
What was that about?!

All of this taught me one thing: in a culture where perfection is defined by looks and not substance, two things are likely to happen: either people are going to be obsessed with only engaging with what they are taught is perfect; or they are going to engage in what is less perfect than they are in order to feel more perfect. In other words, I had been able to more successfully date women when I was fat because I made them feel more perfect. Once I was closer to my ideal weight than they had been taught they were, being with me only reminded them of how imperfect they were.

It was all very frustrating. Fortunately, after two years of this ridiculous dating situation, I met Laura, who is more than secure enough in herself not to determine her personal perfection in relation to my own.