The last near-two months have been difficult for many reasons. While our presidential administration tries to push us ever-closer to a full blown invasion of Iran and our sisters, brothers, sons and daughters, friends and civilian innocents continue to die by the hundreds and thousands because of this administration's soulless ambitions, severe depression has managed to creep its way back into the mix of my struggle with disability. When you suffer with depression it is almost impossible to separate one's own personal struggle from the struggle of all those around you. It is like the wall between you and them and collapses and any negative input immediately adds to one's personal agony. The depression has returned because I ran out of my anti-depressant, which also helps control my nerve pain. Additionally, I have run out of two other medications which are essential to my pain management. As a result, my pain has increased and my insomnia has gotten worse. This is why I have had a difficult time writing for this blog. The pain, emotional and physical, makes focus impossible.
This is what has happened because I have been waiting since October 10 for the written notice of the judge's decision following my disability benefits hearing. Yesterday I finally received the judge's decision and thankfully it read "Fully Favorable," which means his decision to grant me benefits is now official and fully legal. The immediate glee and high gotten from the original hearing has faded but the emotion has not. I physically shook and cried as I read the twelve-page Notice. Some of the language was confusing but most was understandable. I might have a background in intellectual property and contract law, but disability law is a different beast using a different language. I put a call into my attorney Alex Boudov and hope to hear back from him soon so I can know exactly how I can use this document to get my benefits rolling.
The benefits are essential in my re-obtaining the medication necessary to get back on an even keel. I was able to keep my cobra insurance for as long as possible, and also able to rely on certain family members for as long as they wanted to help me. But over the last three week I have had to manage to keep my attitude above the water line of "easy escape." My depression, when out of control, tempts me with thoughts of suicide as an escape from my pain and release for those who love me. I recognize that this kind of thinking is total bullshit, but that does not stop the depression any more than I can switch off the nerve, bone and muscular pain. Now that I have the judge's decision in hand and I know the gears within the system are turning, I know, for a fact, I will be receiving my medication, again, and I will once again be able to see my doctors on a schedule.
Rock philosopher Tom Petty once sang "The waiting is the hardest part," which is a mantra I have used previously in this blog. Never has that mantra meant more than over the last seven weeks. It is what every truly disabled person must endure and will be the one thing that is the hardest to endure. When there is nothing you can do, and you are having to trust other people who can not know what you are suffering through, it adds so much stress that whatever suffering you normally endure is exasperated to the point of absolute agony. It is enough to make one believe that only a bullet through the brain or a handful of pills seem the only reasonable option. When you add to this the stress of those friends and especially family members who simply can not appreciate, empathize and give assistance during this critical period there is no guarantee a disabled person will survive "the waiting."
I can only say that I have been incredibly blessed to have a fiancee and a mother both of whom have endured the waiting with me and kept me from succumbing to the darkness. My relationship with both my father and brother, as well as several other friends has fractured to a point where I am not sure I even want to repair them. I have had the support of a few friends, less than a handful, who have reached out and understand that during such a time I am not going to be able to reach out easily and ask for help. If "pride cometh before the fall" than this is the perfect example of that platitude. The last thing a disabled person who has been humiliated over and over again throughout the fight for their rights needs is one person telling them "It's up to you whether or not you want my help." Damn, is this what family and friends are for? I refuse to accept that love means "conditional" love.
As my waiting period comes to an end, I will not forget those who have helped me and supported me and my family and I will forget those who did not and condemned me for being genetically inferior to them. But instead of allowing the pride that kept me from taking the easy way out to become a instrument of hatred and contempt against those family and friends who did not make an effort to empathize I will work to honor those who loved, supported and stood by me during this most difficult trial by continuing my fight for the rights of my disabled brothers and sisters and to get my story out to the public through book and film to give hope to my disabled brothers and sisters. And, hey, if there is a reward for all this struggling, then I want to share it with those who shared their love, instead of their judgment, with me.
Now that's what I call "fully favorable."
